Stop beating yourself up: Fuschia Sirois on procrastination guilt

Procrastination guilt feels like the price of doing better next time. The research of Fuschia Sirois and Tim Pychyl suggests it works the other way around: harsh self-judgment after a delay adds a fresh bad feeling to the task you were avoiding, and putting a task off is the quickest escape from a bad feeling. What helps is kindness that keeps you responsible: own the delay, let the bad feeling pass without feeding it, and book the next small step.

Sirois, a professor of social and health psychology at Durham University (Greater Good), came to self-compassion through a question she could test. Procrastinators can look as if they're letting themselves off the hook, she told Pychyl on his iProcrastinate podcast, and if they were, they should score high on self-compassion. Her survey data said the opposite: people more prone to procrastinate were less kind to themselves (iProcrastinate, 2013).

Why does procrastination guilt keep you stuck?

On Adam Grant's podcast WorkLife, Sirois put it in two sentences: "People feel guilty when they procrastinate. But that guilt doesn't operate in the same way that it does for most people" (WorkLife, 2020). For most people, guilt is a push to put something right. When Grant joked that guilt is the gift that keeps on giving, she had an answer ready.

"For procrastinators, what it gives is more procrastination."

Fuschia Sirois, on WorkLife with Adam Grant

The reason is the mood-repair loop she described with Pychyl: putting a task off relieves the bad feeling it stirs up, and the guilt that follows adds a second bad feeling to the same task, so the next delay brings even more relief (Sirois & Pychyl, 2013); why do I procrastinate explains the loop step by step.

Her surveys fit that picture. Across four samples of Canadian undergraduates and community adults, those more prone to procrastinate were less self-compassionate (a moderate link), and lower self-compassion explained part of why they reported more stress (Sirois, 2014). Most of the data came from one-off surveys, so they can't show which comes first, a limit Sirois points out herself. The Put Off Procrastinating workbook from the Center for Clinical Interventions makes the practical point: self-criticism "generally backfires", because the more you scold yourself, the more the task feels like a chore and the less motivated you feel (CCI).

Say you meant to start the quarterly report on Tuesday and cleared your inbox instead. That evening you tell yourself you're hopeless and you always do this. On Wednesday the report is still dull, and now it's also proof that you're hopeless. Opening it means facing both, so you check email first.

The 1h Protocol to Stop Procrastinating builds a version of this into its protocol: when a start slips, one kind line, then book the next start.

How to forgive yourself for procrastinating

The forgiveness study Pychyl co-wrote at Carleton University followed first-year students through two midterm exams in the same psychology class. Just before each exam, they reported how much they had procrastinated on studying and how far they had forgiven themselves for it. Students who had forgiven themselves for putting off studying for the first exam procrastinated less before the second, and the link ran through their mood: more self-forgiveness went with less negative feeling, which went with less delay (Wohl, Pychyl & Bennett, 2010).

Pychyl is careful about what this shows. In his write-up, the link held only for students who had procrastinated a lot before the first exam, and he suspects some people would use forgiveness as "forgive and forget," then carry on as before (Pychyl, 2010). It's one study of students, and it shows a link rather than proof, though it points the same way as Sirois's surveys.

"...being a little kind to ourselves so that we can focus our energies on trying again."

Tim Pychyl, in Psychology Today

Sirois describes self-forgiveness for procrastination as three steps, taken from forgiveness research (Sirois, 2022):

1. Accept that you procrastinated and that you're unhappy about it. That means owning the delay. While you're still blaming the meetings or the email, you haven't accepted it.
2. Let yourself feel it. You may be angry, disappointed or frustrated, and Sirois calls feeling bad about procrastinating "a healthy response." What matters is what you do with the feeling. Wallowing in shame and guilt keeps the loop turning.
3. Stop punishing yourself and make amends. Ask what you can do to make the next delay less likely, then do it.

"You have to shift from a retribution mindset to a restitution mindset."

Fuschia Sirois, in Greater Good Magazine

In practice, the evening after that lost Tuesday might sound like this: "I put the report off today. That's on me, and I'm annoyed about it. It's a dull job and I was tired, which explains it without excusing it. Tomorrow at nine, before email, I'll write the summary, and I'll tell my manager it will be with her on Thursday."

Some self-comfort doesn't help, though. Pychyl recalls Sirois's research on students who told themselves "well, it could have been worse" after putting off an exam or assignment: they felt better, and they were less likely to learn from the experience (Pychyl, 2010). Forgiveness starts by admitting that something went wrong.

Use self-compassion at the moment you're about to stall

Forgiveness deals with a delay you've already made. Self-compassion, in Sirois's distinction, is for while you're still wrestling with the task or putting it off, and both turn down the negative feelings that drive avoidance (Your Parenting Mojo, 2022). One of the best times to use it, she writes, is when you're frustrated or stressed and "on the brink of procrastinating" (Sirois, 2022).

She builds on psychologist Kristin Neff's three parts of self-compassion, and each has a version that takes under a minute:

1. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend. Sirois's suggested line for a stretched parent is short: "It's okay to have a hard time with this." Then comes a plan: it won't get done today, and it goes first tomorrow. The CCI workbook suggests swapping "I have to," "I should" and "I must" for "I choose," "I would prefer" and "I will."
2. Remember you're not the only one. Shame makes procrastination feel like a private defect, and Sirois points out that it gets in the way of admitting the problem and asking for help. On his podcast, Pychyl recalls a graduate student who hadn't started on her comprehensive exam because she didn't know what to do, and couldn't ask her adviser, because then he'd know she hadn't been doing anything (iProcrastinate, 2013).
3. Notice the feeling without getting swept up in it. Name it (bored, anxious, out of your depth), let it be there, and get curious about why this task set it off. Sirois argues that this mindful stance puts you in a better position to see why you avoided the task in the first place.

Adam Grant adds on the same WorkLife episode that self-compassion is especially hard for perfectionists; perfectionism and procrastination covers that pattern. The obvious worry, for perfectionists and everyone else, is that all this kindness will make you lazy.

Those were single lab sessions, and the outcome was effort rather than procrastination, but they answer the worry. In another of the experiments, students who recalled something they felt guilty about and then wrote to themselves with kindness were more motivated to make amends, and to avoid repeating it, than students who wrote about their good qualities. Sirois describes the balance as "acknowledging what you're doing, accepting responsibility for it," while refusing to feed the feelings that made you want to procrastinate in the first place (WorkLife, 2020).

If the guilt sits on top of a low mood that won't lift, or the delays are costing you at work or at home, book a GP or counselor; Sirois notes that people who procrastinate often put off seeking help as well (WorkLife, 2020), so make that the one thing you don't delay.

Write your kind line before you need it

The evening after a lost afternoon is the hardest time to find a kind sentence. Write yours now, while nothing has slipped, and keep it where tomorrow's first step lives: the top of your to-do list, or the note on your phone. The next time a start slips, you only have to read it, then book the next step.

The full 1h Protocol to Stop Procrastinating has you write that line in advance, as part of your protocol. Its first chapter is free and names the obstacle behind the task you keep putting off. Start free

Frequently asked questions

Why do I feel guilty when I procrastinate?

Procrastination is a voluntary delay: you know you chose the easier option, and the task is still waiting. Fuschia Sirois and Tim Pychyl link it with guilt, shame and self-blame about past delays. That guilt attaches to the task, so the task feels worse next time, and putting it off again brings quick relief.

Does self-compassion reduce procrastination?

The evidence points that way, though most of it shows links rather than proof. In four samples of students and community adults, those more prone to procrastinate were less self-compassionate, and lower self-compassion explained part of their higher stress. In experiments, a kind response to failure increased effort, and Sirois describes self-compassion as a way to turn down the negative feelings that drive avoidance.

How do I forgive myself for procrastinating?

Fuschia Sirois describes three steps. First, accept that you procrastinated and take responsibility for it. Second, let yourself feel the disappointment or frustration without wallowing in it. Third, stop punishing yourself and make amends: decide what you'll do differently and take that step, such as booking the next start.

Isn't self-compassion just letting myself off the hook?

No. Self-compassion keeps the responsibility and drops the punishment. In experiments by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, people who responded with self-compassion studied longer after a failed test and were more motivated to make amends after a wrongdoing. Comfort without responsibility is different: students who told themselves "it could have been worse" after procrastinating felt better and learned less.

How do I break the procrastination guilt cycle?

Interrupt it at the guilt. After a delay, name what happened plainly, write one kind line to yourself as you would to a friend, and choose the smallest next step with a time attached. In one study, students who forgave themselves for procrastinating before one exam procrastinated less before the next, and the link ran through feeling less bad.

Sources

This article draws on Fuschia Sirois's and Tim Pychyl's published research, articles and podcast interviews, and on a public clinical workbook.

• Sirois, F. M. (2014). Procrastination and stress: Exploring the role of self-compassion. Self and Identity (four-sample observational study, 768 people)
• Wohl, M. J. A., Pychyl, T. A., & Bennett, S. H. (2010). I forgive myself, now I can study. Personality and Individual Differences (prospective study, 119 first-year students)
• Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (four randomised experiments)
• Sirois, F. M., & Pychyl, T. A. (2013). Procrastination and the priority of short-term mood regulation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass (theoretical review)
• Sirois, F. (2022). Two counterintuitive ways to stop procrastinating. Greater Good Magazine (researcher's article, adapted from her book)
• Pychyl, T. A. (2010). Forgive yourself to stop procrastinating. Psychology Today (researcher's blog article)
• WorkLife with Adam Grant: The real reason you procrastinate (2020) (podcast episode with Fuschia Sirois, TED)
• Your Parenting Mojo 170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois (2022) (podcast episode)
• iProcrastinate Podcast: Self-compassion, stress and procrastination (2013) (podcast episode, Tim Pychyl interviewing Fuschia Sirois)
• Centre for Clinical Interventions: Put Off Procrastinating (public clinical self-help workbook, Government of Western Australia)