How to manage stress: Robert Sapolsky on what makes it heavier

To manage stress, work on the load as well as on your nerves. Look at what's open, whose it is, and whether your day ever ends. Then sort the open demands once a week, hand over or raise one thing that isn't yours to carry alone, and give each day an end with something of your own after it. Calming down helps in the moment, but it doesn't shrink the pile.

In a lecture at the Beckman Institute at the University of Illinois, posted in 2017, Sapolsky walked an audience through decades of stress research. Near the end, he boiled it down to one list. "For the same external misery, you are more likely to feel subjectively stressed ... if you feel like you have no control, no predictability, no outlets for the frustration, if you interpret things as getting worse and you have nobody's shoulder to cry on" (Sapolsky, 2017, 1:00:02 to 1:00:35).

Notice that the list isn't about the size of the pressure. It's about how much say you have, whether you can see it coming, and who carries it with you. You can change some of that.

A word on scope before the steps, in the words of the program this article draws on: "This is a wellness program about everyday stress from the load you carry at work, at home and in caring for others, not health care. It doesn't give medical advice, and it doesn't diagnose or treat anything. It isn't for burnout, anxiety disorders, depression or trauma."

Below, Sapolsky's list is joined with research on work stress and recovery. By the end, you'll be able to name what tipped a bad day, pick one move that fits it, and see why "just relax" rarely holds.

Why does the same day feel heavier some weeks?

1. Look at the list, not at yourself

Sapolsky builds his list from animal studies and applies it to people. Earlier in the same lecture he describes rats getting identical shocks, where the one that can press a lever, even a lever that does nothing, reacts less. "For the same external stressor, a sense of control makes things less stressful" (58:28). A rat that can go to a companion afterward reacts less too.

Studies of employees point the same way. A review of studies from 1998 to 2007 found that high demands, little say over your work and little support each added to strain, and having a say didn't cancel out a heavy load (Häusser et al., 2010). That last part matters. Feeling in charge of a pile that's too big doesn't make it smaller.

So when a week feels heavier than the last, start with the list. How much of what landed did you choose? Did you know it was coming? Who else is carrying it?

2. Count the leftovers

Stress adds up across the week. In a study that followed 289 community-residing adults aged 18 to 89 for a month with a daily diary, a pile-up of stressful events over the past week went with a worse mood on a given day, on top of that day's own stress (Schilling & Diehl, 2014). It was a link in daily life, not proof of cause, and older adults in the study reacted less to the pile-up.

Here's what that looks like in practice. Monday's unanswered email, Tuesday's half-done form and Wednesday's promise to call your mother are all still open on Thursday. Then one more request lands, and it feels like too much. It's the fourth thing on a full plate, and that's a fair reason for a day to tip. It doesn't make you weak.

"For the same external stressor, a sense of control makes things less stressful." Robert Sapolsky

Why calming down isn't enough

3. Notice what the usual advice aims at

Most stress tips aim at your body in the moment: a bath, a massage, a breathing app, "just relax". They can take the edge off. They don't touch the list on your desk.

Dr Aditi Nerurkar, a doctor who works on stress and the author of the book The 5 Resets, tells this story about herself on The Mel Robbins Podcast. Years ago, stressed and looking for answers, she went to a doctor who told her to "go get a massage and just relax." She tried that, dinner with friends and shopping: "all the things that didn't work" (The Mel Robbins Podcast, 2024, 55:23). Her point is that a pleasant break and the pressure behind it are two different things.

A large survey in the UK points the same way. It covered 46,336 workers at 233 employers that chose to take part, in 2017 and 2018. Workers who had joined relaxation classes, well-being apps, mindfulness, resilience or stress-management courses were, on average, no better off than those who hadn't (Fleming, 2024). It was a one-moment survey, not a trial, so it can't show that these programs fail. People who were struggling may have been more likely to sign up. But the author's reading is that such offers weren't giving workers what their demands called for, and that changes to scheduling, management and job design look more promising.

An older review of job-stress programs found something similar. Programs that changed only the individual helped individuals, while those that also changed the organization helped at both levels (LaMontagne et al., 2007).

4. Know why rest gets harder exactly when you need it

There's a cruel twist here. Sabine Sonnentag, a researcher who studies recovery from work, calls it the recovery paradox. When people face a lot of stress at work, they tend to switch off less in their free time, move less and sleep worse, which is just when they need those things most (Sonnentag, 2018). In studies of 38,124 employees, people who switched off more after work reported less exhaustion and better sleep. The links were small to medium, and mostly from studies that measured both at once (Wendsche & Lohmann-Haislah, 2017).

Sonnentag's conclusion keeps the whole picture honest: "supporting recovery is always only the second-best option." The first is to keep the demands within limits. Rest matters, and the load has to change too.

Ask three questions about a day that tipped

5. Was it the Load, the Hands or the Refill?

In the 1h Protocol to Manage Everyday Stress, Sapolsky's list and the research above are sorted into three parts. They're a useful way to see a hard day, not the whole story, and not a scientific theory.

• The Load. What's asked of you, against what you can bring to it. It adds up across the week, and when everything is open at once, everything feels urgent.
• The Hands. Whose hands it's in. Little say over what lands, and no one sharing it, each add strain.
• The Refill. Effort is normal, but it needs an end. What wears people down is load with no refill: no breaks, no end to the day, and the basics cut first.

Take your last day that tipped and ask which part did it. Often it's more than one, but one usually started it.

6. Make one move for each part

Each part has its own move. None of them is a big one.

For the Load, sort once a week. Write every open demand on one page, give each one a mark (now, later with a day, drop, hand off or raise), and circle the one that comes first. "Drop" means you say so to whoever expects it, never that you quietly let it slide. See feeling overwhelmed for the full sort.

For the Hands, share or raise one thing. If someone else sets what lands on you, propose a change with a date, rather than quietly doing less: see how to say no at work. If it all sits with you at home, hand over one whole task, including remembering it: see the mental load. If you care for someone, see caregiver stress.

For the Refill, give the day an end. Write what's unfinished and when you'll do it, close the day, and step into something of your own: see how to relax after work. And protect the smallest version of one basic on your heaviest days: see no time for yourself.

The World Health Organization's practical guide, Doing What Matters in Times of Stress, is a good free read alongside this (WHO, 2020). For general tips by email, the NHS has a free Mind Plan.

7. Find the pattern your days follow

Days tend to tip in a few patterns, and the move that helps most depends on yours. The program uses five:

• The Pile-up. Too many demands open at once, none sorted, last week's leftovers on top. See feeling overwhelmed.
• The Always-On Day. No breaks and no end; staying reachable is enough. See how to relax after work.
• The Out-of-Your-Hands Load. Others set what lands, and it keeps changing. See how to say no at work.
• The Carrying-It-Alone Load. It all sits with you, the planning included. See the mental load.
• The Squeezed Basics. Sleep, meals, movement and people go first. See no time for yourself.

If none fits, the basics every loaded day needs are the place to start. For the moment it all lands at once, see box breathing, which keeps a slow breath to its real size. For whether some stress is useful, see good stress vs bad stress. If you lead a team, see workplace stress. And if the trouble is a thought that keeps going round after the demand has gone, that's a different habit: see how to stop overthinking.

Back to the list

Sapolsky's list was never about how tough you are. Control, being able to see what's coming, an outlet and a shoulder to lean on are things you can partly arrange: a page that shows what's open, a conversation about whose it is, an end to the day. As Sapolsky put it, "a sense of control makes things less stressful." Next time a day tips, ask which part did it.

To build this around your own days, try the 1h Protocol to Manage Everyday Stress, a program of practical education for adults 18 and over. Its free first chapter asks a few short questions to find your stress pattern, shows the Load, the Hands and the Refill in one screen, and gives you one first step. The full program takes about an hour: you put your real load on one page, marked and sorted with one thing first, set a time each week to sort it again, give each day an end, and draft what you'd raise, with your country's rules and a date. You also write one line in your own words for the moment it all lands at once. You leave with a plan built from your own answers, a card with a check for any day, a fourteen-day log to try it, and your review days in your calendar. Four short check-ins follow by email on days 1, 7, 14 and 30. Start free

Frequently asked questions

What is the best way to manage stress?

There's no single best way, because days tip for different reasons. Start by asking what tipped your last bad day: too much open at once (the Load), little say or no one sharing it (the Hands), or no break and no end (the Refill). Then make one move for that part: a weekly sort, one thing raised or handed over, or an end to the day.

Why am I so stressed all the time?

Often because it adds up. In a month-long diary study, last week's pile-up of stressful events went with a worse mood on a given day, on top of that day's own stress (Schilling & Diehl, 2014). And under heavy demands, people tend to switch off less, move less and sleep worse, so the refill shrinks just when it's needed (Sonnentag, 2018). Sapolsky adds little say, not knowing what's coming and no one to share it with.

Is it stress or burnout?

The World Health Organization describes burnout as an occupational phenomenon, tied to work, and doesn't class it as a medical condition (WHO, 2019). This article doesn't try to tell you which you have. This is a wellness program about everyday stress from the load you carry at work, at home and in caring for others, not health care. It doesn't give medical advice, and it doesn't diagnose or treat anything. It isn't for burnout, anxiety disorders, depression or trauma. If stress doesn't ease, or it starts getting in the way of your daily life, or what you're trying yourself isn't helping, see a doctor.

Does relaxing get rid of stress?

It can take the edge off a moment, and rest matters. But it doesn't shrink the load. In a survey of 46,336 UK workers, those who'd done relaxation classes, well-being apps or stress courses were on average no better off than those who hadn't, though the survey can't rule out that people who were struggling signed up more (Fleming, 2024). Pair any rest with a change to the load or to who carries it.

When should I see a doctor about stress?

If stress doesn't ease, or it starts getting in the way of your daily life, or what you're trying yourself isn't helping, see a doctor.

Sources

This article draws on Robert Sapolsky's Beckman Institute lecture, Dr Aditi Nerurkar's interview on The Mel Robbins Podcast, research on work stress and recovery, and guidance from the World Health Organization and the NHS, listed below.

• Robert Sapolsky, Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: Stress and Health (lecture, Beckman Institute, YouTube captions uploaded by the channel, 2017)
• Mel Robbins with Dr Aditi Nerurkar, 5 Tools to Protect Your Brain From Stress, Ep. 176 (podcast episode, official transcript, 2024)
• Häusser et al, Ten years on: a review of recent research on the Job Demand-Control (-Support) model (review of employee studies, abstract only, 2010)
• Schilling & Diehl, Reactivity to stressor pile-up in adulthood (30-day diary study, 289 community-residing adults aged 18 to 89, 2014)
• Fleming, Employee well-being outcomes from individual-level mental health interventions (cross-sectional survey, 46,336 UK workers at 233 employers that opted in, 2017 and 2018 data, 2024)
• LaMontagne et al, A systematic review of the job-stress intervention evaluation literature, 1990-2005 (systematic review, abstract only, 2007)
• Sonnentag, The recovery paradox (review, 2018)
• Wendsche & Lohmann-Haislah, A meta-analysis on antecedents and outcomes of detachment from work (meta-analysis, 38,124 employees, 2017)
• World Health Organization, Stress: questions and answers (public health page, 2026)
• World Health Organization, Doing What Matters in Times of Stress (illustrated self-help guide, 2020)
• NHS Every Mind Matters, Your Mind Plan (free tips by email, 2026)
• World Health Organization, Burn-out an occupational phenomenon (statement on ICD-11, 2019)
• NHS, Stress (public health page, 2026), and NHS Every Mind Matters, Dealing with stress (2026): named, not linked, because both pages print helpline numbers. The doctor line in this article is the program's own wording.